In January 2018, one sentence changed my life.
I was sitting on an airport bench in front of Brian Schmetzer, the head coach of the Seattle Sounders. They were the reigning MLS champions at the time and I’d seen Schmetzer on TV dozens of times alongside the likes of US Soccer legend Clint Dempsey. To say I was starstruck is an understatement.
I’d just spent ten days on trial with the Sounders in San Diego after being drafted from Villanova University, my college team.
“We’re letting you go when we get back to Seattle,” he said.
I had a bad feeling when he pulled me aside from the rest of the players before we all headed back to Seattle for the rest of the preseason training camp.
When I was 13 years old I told my dad I wanted to be a professional soccer player. It was a grand purpose for a young kid, but I felt completely encompassed by the goal. From high school through college, I trained, obsessively, harder than anyone I knew. Perhaps it was ego-driven, but the pursuit of such grand purpose drove me forward, kept me healthy and out of trouble. Still, the foundations of my identity were rooted on shaky ground.
In retrospect–and I’ll speak generally here–whenever we tie our self-worth to an action or an activity, we can be in for a world of disappointment when those activities are taken away.
In theory (key words being ‘in theory’) I was aware of this at the time. Before my time with the Sounders, I had already begun to redefine myself… I wanted to be more than Chris the soccer player. I wanted to be Chris the writer, Chris the artist, Chris the photographer, any number of identities. But still, I was searching for an action to tie myself to–some other grand purpose that would bring notoriety, success, respect, a platform to be heard.
In the ensuing months, I moved to Boston, still chasing the dream of kicking a ball in front of thousands of people for a living. But when I looked around the locker room at the older veterans on the team–the pros I so desperately wanted to be like when I was a kid– I didn’t see myself in them. It was the classic never-meet-your-heroes scenario.
I knew that was it for me. But when I finally turned away from the field, I realized I had no plan B… not only that, I didn’t even have a solid idea of who I was without soccer.
And so I entered the doldrums.
Without some grand, perhaps ego-driven, purpose to power my sails, I floundered aimlessly. My sleep schedule was a mess; my job search was frantic and stressful; I wavered in and out of depression and states of severe anxiety. Simply put, I had no self-discipline and no understanding of how my mind even worked.
Before this period, I had no time or desire to entertain such thoughts–thoughts like who am I really? What makes me tick? What are my most important values? Some of this can be attributed to age and immaturity, but most of it comes from the fact that I used soccer as a distraction from such questions. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my experience as a player and would never trade it for anything. But my introduction to life without sport was a baptism by fire.
-
Settling into a job and a new way of life changed nothing. On the outside things seemed to be going pretty well after soccer, but on the inside, I was eating myself alive. I was still lost, undisciplined, and aimless. My habits were either bad or inconsistent. It took months—years even—before I made a conscious choice for self-examination.
I kept telling myself “when I find my purpose, I’ll be better” or “when I figure things out, this will change or that will change”
This is the myth of purpose.
Society seems to tell us that there will be some magical ‘aha’ moment, where we suddenly discover purpose and we change our lives forever. Maybe this is true for some people.
But in my experience, there is no angel waiting to come down from the clouds and touch your forehead with a magic wand and say “The Lord declareth you a writer” or whatever it is you may think your purpose is. And even if that does happen, finding purpose does not equal a sudden behavior change and sudden self-discipline.
In my experience, the above paragraph must happen in reverse order.
Behavior change and self-discipline must come before the purpose.
This idea of some all-encompassing, external purpose that we will supposedly find one day, is not a generous gift from heaven. It’s the result of a thousand tiny purposes.
What do I mean by that?
Well, in my case, I am yet to find my purpose, my worldly vocation. I can’t say that I’ve found something that motivates me and drives me quite the way my professional soccer aspirations once did. But that doesn’t mean I’m not constantly ready for it and constantly progressing.
If you are in a similar position you should not wait around for some purpose to arrive before you take action. Purpose will find you, I truly believe it, but you must be ready for it and you must make time and space to hear the muses.
The grand purpose will come, but in the meantime, adjust your time frame. Ask yourself what is my purpose every day, every hour, with every decision.
For example, I can wake up and worry that I still don’t know what career I want to pursue or I can simply say, ‘Today, my purpose is to do one thing that makes me 1% better” or something as simple as “Today my purpose is to love and support my spouse”.
Purpose isn’t always grand and sexy, it can be simple.
Even so, if something grand and sexy is what you’re going for, then be patient. Purpose will reveal itself to you when–and only if–you are ready for it.
That requires two things: 1) that you keep moving forward and 2) that you stay open and listen.
The latter requires self-discipline and focus.
Finding your own unique way to contribute to the good in the world is difficult. If it were easy it wouldn’t be worth it. Sorry for the cliches, but I believe the greater the resistance, the greater the reward. What I mean is, to find your true purpose you’ll have to dig within yourself.
The doldrums are a scary place. But there are many ways to find the wind to power your sails. Keep going and lean into the discomfort. There are too many distractions in this day and age, and too many ways to avoid the pain that comes with finding true purpose.
The road will be difficult but worth it. Make the decision every day, be open, and keep moving forward.
Five years after I got cut from the Sounders, I still don’t have another grand purpose, but mentally, I feel better than I ever have. Every day, I try my best to execute habits that move me forward. My mindset is no longer “when this happens, I’ll do that”… instead, it’s “I’ll do this, and one day, that will happen”.
Purpose, I’m ready for you.